the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize