dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
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and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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