You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We were destined to go to rehab together
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize