he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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