I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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