Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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