Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
