Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize