Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize