Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
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A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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