If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
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You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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