What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
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He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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