I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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