Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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