my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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