i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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