I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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