So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize