I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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