I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize