Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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