You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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