New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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