I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Life is so much better after having sex.
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
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Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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