Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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