Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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