I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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