This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
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I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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