he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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