Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
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Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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