Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
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I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need water and some morals
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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