My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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