We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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