Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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