Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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