How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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