Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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