smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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