you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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