apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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