Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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