guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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