I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize