mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We are two peas in an std pod
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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