i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize