my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize