So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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