there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
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I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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