I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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