i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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